Kate + Wills

Normally with a celeb couple the popular press see it fit to combine the collective names to create one name which is easier for their largely thick audience to remember. An example might be ‘Brangelina’ which is slightly less forgetful than the constituent parts, which just happen to be ‘Brad Pitt’ and ‘Angelina Jolie’.

Clever huh?....no

The protagonists in the latest royal wedding have also had their first names combined to form ‘Watekills’ which sounds like a campaign slogan for a health drive about obesity. I for one couldn’t give an epic toss about the royal wedding. I’m not against the royal family, far from it, I just can’t be arsed with it all. It’s very nice of the numero uno echelon to give us a day off and all but mine will be spent up a ladder doing DIY and looking after the sprogs. Gee thanks. Think I’d rather be at work.
Surely a better present for the nation would be not to foot the bill. Conservative estimates reckon it’ll cost a pound for every household in the U.K. I realize that doesn’t sound like a lot but a quid can buy an awful lot and a lot of awful down at Poundland. I could get a loaf of bread or a multipack of KitKats, or better still a pack of those Chinese lanterns that rise majestically into the sky before falling back down to terra firma in a ball of flames to start endless forest fires.
Here’s a plan, why don’t Kat & Willy sack the pomp and fly to Vegas for a quick in’n’out wham bam thank you maam sorta doo? As they return we could all simultaneously set off Chinese lanterns and make it look really pretty. Chicks dig candles. Christ knows where the future monarchs would land, not after 20+million idiots have filled U.K. airspace with fire. With favorable winds some of the lanterns might make it across the channel and set fire to France, what a gift that would be!
A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life! Yes if you’re not royalty. I think the happiest day of Ms. Middleton’s life will be getting her new credit card through the post. To ‘Future Queen’ please find your new superdooperplatinum credit card enclosed. You have unlimited funds and zero A.P.R. I suppose if she ever did dip into the red she could always flog off Australia. The lucky cow will want for nowt, except for maybe a husband with hair but that’s a small price to pay for the moon on a stick.
For wannabe queens everywhere the union will break a lot of hearts but it’s far worse if you’re a bloke. The only eligible royal bird left is Princess Beatrice. I think I’ll require the larger of my two barge poles for that one. Zara Philips is a ‘possible’ I suppose but it’s assumed she’ll marry a horse. Nope, the only way in now if you’re a 'bag-me-a-rich-one' bachelor is if one of the knobs turns out to like knobs. Even then you run the risk of being shot by DoE.
I think I’ll stick to slumming it with the common folk, like Al Fayed. You’d never catch him trying to be a royal……or with a passport. Common folk like us couldn’t give two hoots about the social elite, mainly because we can’t afford one hoot let alone two. We don’t need a class system because everyone has their feet firmly on the ground and knows their place.
My place for instance is slightly above you, now stop reading this you smelly peasant oik.