Monday, 7 March 2011

Half Penny Mojo

I've lost my mojo :-(
To a kid in the eighties that was seriously bad news. Mojos are a tradable commodity like fags are in prison. Just so as you know I'm against the buying and selling of homosexuals by inmates. Finding my mojo is going to be a difficult task especially when you factor in that I'm above average at losing things but only below average at finding them. I reckon it's because deep down I'm such a sharing person. Constantly forgetting where things are is a way for my kind hearted inner self to spread some love....and some car keys.
No it's true.
At least a few times a year for example I share my blood to save the sick and dying, and in return I only demand five cups of tea, four Club biscuits, a packet of Bourbons and the following 24hours in which to express an overbearing smugness and self righteousness that Col. Gaddafi could only dream of. Was it not Shakespeare himself who once said after giving blood, "by the setting of the sun I will have rescued at least one mortal from the bone fingers of the reaper grim and if you cut me now will I not bleed leaf-ed tea from Teto-ley"? I think you'll find it was.
While we're on the subject of Gaddafi, with his constant angry tirades, his bitterness towards the rest of the world, his funny language and the fact that he's called Gaddafi, can we really be sure that he's not actually Welsh?

The fibber from Libbers has said to have "killed Libyans like he kills sheep". Not dogs, not bunny rabbits, not spiders, not wild apparently Muammar likes sheep.

Listen back and you'll hear that "I will fight till death and die a martyr" should have been "I will fight till Neath and Dye in Merthyr". The Daffmeister is clearly having a pop at the purposed scrapping of the X43 bus route. If I were a betting man I'd say Gadaffo is from Cardiff and the translator is clearly from Swansea.

No further questions m'lud.

Another example of my sharing awesomeness is when I try and feed the homeless. Why only the other day I was returning from just having bought the European surplus of chocolate on offer in the pound shop, when I past an obviously homeless man huddled in a doorway trying to shelter from a wind so cold you'd swear it was made entirely of polar bear farts. Being the saint that I am I decided to return and offer him some of my excessive choco-loveliness. He went to take it and then declined. And I quote "Is that chocolate? I don't do chocolate".
Various replies went through my head. The one I wanted to say was "this is Cadburys for f##ks sake, not the cheap brown shite Grandma used to try and fob me off with" but instead in the amazement and slight shock of it all I put the 150grams of edible love back in to my bag and walked off. What next I pondered, lactose intolerant beggars, Big Issue sellers who only take BACS or Paypal!

I took it as a sign that I needed to be a bit less giving and a bit more selfish. So, with that in mind I’m going to the coast to live in the tidal ranges.

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Give Up

A friend of mine, let’s call her Rachel Dumbint from Justuptheroadford Shire, is trying to give up smoking. She’s tried various methods but the best one for her is patches. She finds putting a fag into her mouth severely hampered by having a small dog stuck to her arm. When she does give in and light up she only manages about two drags before the dog smells smoke, get nervous and extinguishes the situation with the precision of a laser guided stealth bomber. A rather different technique is employed by patches when it comes to putting out a pipe. It would seem that you’re supposed to fight fire with fire and a pipe with pipe. Fortunately, Rachel is young (mentally at least) and there’s still time for her to change before any lasting damage is done to her lungs and her social life. Odour Patches No.1 isn't very nasally appealing.

Oohh if there's a ‘still time’ does that mean there's a fizzy time as well? Do posh people having sparkling time? When I was a youth back in the eighties we had Sodastream time. Nowadays the strap line "get busy with the fizzy" kind of implies humping a 2litre bottle of coke. Well it does to me and don’t say you haven’t thought about it. Just me then.
I have very little time on my hands, or indeed any garden herb, apart from rosemary, dirty cow.

Having a small dog stuck to your arm is clearly a health aid. Having a small dog for companionship is beyond me. If you have nothing else in your life then don’t get a dog, get super fast broadband and an Xbox! I prefer pets that can take care of themselves. I’m not talking about tooled up tortoises or guinea pigs with a grudge but low maintenance pets. A school mate had a right wing water loving rat called Yahvole. It would spend days machining parts for its wheel to make it faster and more efficient. When it finally died of denial a few years later they found false documents and plans of Europe under the bedding.

Giant African land snails, is it me or do they look guilty? With their eyes out on stalks it makes them look as though they’re carrying more than just their homes on their backs. If I didn’t know better I’d say they were drug mules for some organised creepy crawly mafia. Instead of henchmen, the leader Don Gastropone, would employ henchhogs to clean up any trails leading back to him.

Getting back on topic I’ve never had a problem giving up anything. Recent achievements include giving up on: eating properly, exercise, holding in farts (and therefore friends), a career, *reading, not laughing at French misfortune, keeping a breast of topical events, keeping a breast – it ran away to join the circus, my appearance and spill chicken.

*not as in books. I was never any good at words and sentences and stuff I like pictures too much. Rather the blight on the land of Berkshire.

If you give up giving up then surely that should be counted as a fail?

Other questions hurting my head right now are:

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?
How did we live before Sky+?
Do Klingons insure their spaceships? (in particular their Bird-o-Prey invisible ones)
Ford Ka drivers, is it me or are they ALL shite?