Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Give Up

A friend of mine, let’s call her Rachel Dumbint from Justuptheroadford Shire, is trying to give up smoking. She’s tried various methods but the best one for her is patches. She finds putting a fag into her mouth severely hampered by having a small dog stuck to her arm. When she does give in and light up she only manages about two drags before the dog smells smoke, get nervous and extinguishes the situation with the precision of a laser guided stealth bomber. A rather different technique is employed by patches when it comes to putting out a pipe. It would seem that you’re supposed to fight fire with fire and a pipe with pipe. Fortunately, Rachel is young (mentally at least) and there’s still time for her to change before any lasting damage is done to her lungs and her social life. Odour Patches No.1 isn't very nasally appealing.

Oohh if there's a ‘still time’ does that mean there's a fizzy time as well? Do posh people having sparkling time? When I was a youth back in the eighties we had Sodastream time. Nowadays the strap line "get busy with the fizzy" kind of implies humping a 2litre bottle of coke. Well it does to me and don’t say you haven’t thought about it. Just me then.
I have very little time on my hands, or indeed any garden herb, apart from rosemary, dirty cow.

Having a small dog stuck to your arm is clearly a health aid. Having a small dog for companionship is beyond me. If you have nothing else in your life then don’t get a dog, get super fast broadband and an Xbox! I prefer pets that can take care of themselves. I’m not talking about tooled up tortoises or guinea pigs with a grudge but low maintenance pets. A school mate had a right wing water loving rat called Yahvole. It would spend days machining parts for its wheel to make it faster and more efficient. When it finally died of denial a few years later they found false documents and plans of Europe under the bedding.

Giant African land snails, is it me or do they look guilty? With their eyes out on stalks it makes them look as though they’re carrying more than just their homes on their backs. If I didn’t know better I’d say they were drug mules for some organised creepy crawly mafia. Instead of henchmen, the leader Don Gastropone, would employ henchhogs to clean up any trails leading back to him.

Getting back on topic I’ve never had a problem giving up anything. Recent achievements include giving up on: eating properly, exercise, holding in farts (and therefore friends), a career, *reading, not laughing at French misfortune, keeping a breast of topical events, keeping a breast – it ran away to join the circus, my appearance and spill chicken.

*not as in books. I was never any good at words and sentences and stuff I like pictures too much. Rather the blight on the land of Berkshire.

If you give up giving up then surely that should be counted as a fail?

Other questions hurting my head right now are:

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?
How did we live before Sky+?
Do Klingons insure their spaceships? (in particular their Bird-o-Prey invisible ones)
Ford Ka drivers, is it me or are they ALL shite?

1 comment:

  1. Still have the Sodastream. One day it will be a valuable antique!!!! (as in Roadshow)