Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Diet Time…It must be the New Year!

As a rule I don’t make any rules and that includes New Years resolutions. The wife on the other hand has gone crazy health kick mental. She’s eating healthier and doing bonkers amounts of running. Quite frankly, it’s making me look bad. A wife should have more consideration for her lesser half but no, the missus wants to “be fitter” and “live longer”. It’s working too, she’s happier and losing weight like Facebook users are losing interest.
She has far too much motivation for one person and you can’t help but get caught up in her success. The chance to ride in her wind was just too tempting. Coat Tail City, here I come!
As far as diet goes, mine is pretty shocking but well balanced if you’re a carnivore. Essentially, if it moves, I’ll eat it with chips and gravy. When it comes to greens I tend to run in the other direction. By running I can also ensure I don’t get any verbal off slow moving veggies hell bent on giving us top-of-the-food-chainers a free lecture. Save your strength hippy!
But whether I like it or not I am a tiny part omnivore, which means I need to eat non-meat stuff. Annoyingly vast quantities of spuds don’t count. The better half is literally eating stuff that grows out the ground! Like plants and that, I think they’re called “vegetables”. Ain’t no way that’s going on MY plate! I mean, it’s green, like bogies but even more so. Do I look like a rabbit!?!

Fortunately there is an answer! make this stuff called Energised Greens. It’s powdered veg which when mixed with water make a drink that resembles the stuff you find at the bottom of a pond that normally can only be removed with bleach and a sand blaster. That’s probably a bit harsh, some bleaches smell nice. I can condense the “How to Take” instructions into a single line; as quickly as possible and don’t let it touch the sides! Despite its appearance though it is still infinitely better than consuming the equivalent amount of daily fruit’n’veg portions. It also has the added benefit that you don’t feel like you’re depriving some poor bunnies of their food. Stick that in your lentil pipe!

which one is which again?

As for exercise, well those that know me will already know that on a mountain bike I am a laser guided, precision tuned, finely crafted athlete with unlimited strength and endurance… my head. The green stuff is designed to make me go even faster! This slightly alarming prospect is actually quite appealing, as I tend to go towards things that scare me a little. That particular behavioral trait would certainly explain the whole night riding thing, my vasectomy adventure and the people I associate with. My friends list on Facebook for example is like a who’s who of the weird, disturbed and wonderfully mental. I’ve set myself a weekly mileage target which would embarrass airline pilots and ride times which can be used to track my progress.

It is my intention to pwn this health thing, (“pwn” – I am so down wid da youff innit!). My insides are now at war and war is never pretty. My stomach is having Vietnam style flashbacks to when it used to see green food on a regular basis. My alimentary canal will be a Waitrose where once there was a Netto. My arse will be its own Concorde moment.

For someone who doesn’t do veg the future is a little bit squeaky bum. Results to follow.

1 comment:

  1. Are the 'energised greens' available at McDonald's then? Ivor D's have more veg than that. Eat more SOUP!!!!

    We are unfortunately unable to follow your exemplary lifestyle as we have just opened a large jar of Thornton's finest - a Christmas gift... xx Ta