Monday, 11 July 2011

Camping....part two

After leaving a ruin in ruins we headed back to the campsite to rough it in our portable big top. The kettle, DVD, dry clothes and air con were put on in that order. I say air con, it’s more like a mesh window with its own flappy bit of tent material that controls the flow of air. It’s a floppy Velux really. When I opened it the warm damp humid air was instantly exchanged for much cooler damp humid air and some rather coarse language. But this was no time to moan, there would be plenty of time for that later. After all we were in a paper thin grandiose wigwam sheltering from teeming rain and a typhoon in a soaking wet field in the arse end of Devon. Life was good. With grumbling tummies we watched the bears catch salmon from where the car park used to be and our attention turned to food. The grizzlies were eating all the game fish and we were saving the venison for an emergency snack. The scallops in vintage soy sauce, assorted mushrooms and okra in lime cups were ready but the Krug was nowhere near chilled enough.
Only one course was open to us, we’d have to pub it.
We dinned and then dined heartily on burgers, chips, gammon, more chips, chicken nuggets, beans and a few more chips all washed down with several pints of lager and some Fruit Shoots for the wife and I. The more than reasonable prices meant we would have to buy more crisps and chocolate on the way back.

larger lout

Once our bellies were full we ambled, grunted, sighed and burped our way back to the unshapely chalet. Bloody good thing it was mostly downhill. The rain had eased a little and the bears had moved down river to buy ice creams. We reflected on the day in the living area and planned the next days adventure; the zoo. On the promises of lions and tigers the kids bolted and vaulted to bed like Thompson gazelle while the wife and I said prayers to Teflon, the god of waterproofing. Just one more night, that’s all we needed.
The zoo was a mere Howitzer shell away from the campsite so we had enough time to demolish an entire variety pack of cereals. I mixed some Corn Flakes with some Frosties together because I’m crazy and renegade like that. We had arranged to meet Granny and Granddad at the zoo car park at 10am before it became too busy. Meeting inside the zoo was too risky as first thing in the morning Granddad has the appearance of a tweed wearing silver back. Apart from the clothes the only thing that separated him from one of the primate attractions was a vague wiff of mothballs and Marmite.
We arrived at precisely 10am while the relics finally made an appearance at 10:02am. As a penalty for gross time keeping they agreed to pay our entrance fee. We waited patiently in the queue while Granddad filled out the necessary re-mortgage paperwork. One arm and one leg later we were in!
The hours flew by as we starred at empty enclosure after empty enclosure. With a little help from a tower and the Hubble telescope we did see a tiger. Well I say tiger, at that distance it might as well have been a sheep in a costume.
Just a note to all zoos out there: nocturnal animals, why have them if you’re only open during the day? rare fox my arse! it's a few random holes in the ground and you know it.

An escaped monkey

Fortunately this particular zoo had clued up on its typical audiences attention span and placed an adventure playground every two hundred feet.

Colditz with wood bark

As we progressed the adventure playgrounds became ever more like an SAS assault course and there were no end of opportunities for parents and carers alike to have heart attacks while they watched.

By the time we got to the tourist trap at the end the kids were too knackered to bother with fluffy pink elephants or replica rhino turds. Result.
To be continued………

1 comment:

  1. Zoo sounds terrible. When Granddad and I last went we saw many animals... a lion, elephant, black rhino, four giraffes, camels, (rusty) zebras, gorilla, orang utan, loads of monkeys, flamingos, snakes, crocodiles, large tortoises, and many others. I would demand a return visit if I were you!!!