Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Say What?

I heard this chestnut recently, (that's "chestnut" - as in old saying rather than a talking conker. Blinking heck I've become my own distractor from the plot and I've not even started!... oh and that's "distractor" as in person diverting attention and not "which Masey Ferguson should I choose?") .


“If a tree falls down in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a noise?”
Yes, and you'd have to be an IDIOT to think otherwise. If trees didn't make loud snappy noises when they were falling there would be a menagerie of dead animals under every one. Just because squirrels are incapable of comprehending even the most basic of philosophy it doesn’t mean they don’t know how to run from a dangerous situation.
“Do bears shit in the woods?” Yes and they probably make a noise too!

Useless sayings and phrases get my goat, (no I don’t understand that either).

“Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?”
So-called facts like this are as useful as a receipt from Poundland. I do know some people that appear to use only 10% of their brains but that’s only because they have very small brains to start with. These people use 90% of their available head space working out how to open cartons of milk without causing a diary version of the Bellagio Fountains. The rest of us I’m happy to say use 100% of our brains, (just not necessarily at the same time). I’m longing for the day when our heads can be hooked up to tech support when something goes wrong. Antivirus products will be exactly that, they still won’t work though and they’ll make your head run 25% slower. Dam you Norton, Kaspersky et al...

“Easy like Sunday morning”
I don’t call four trips to B&Q with the rest of the world and their moaning kids, £100+ gone on paint and brushes, 3hours spent painting the garden wall, 4hours spent repainting the garden wall after freak tropical storm, 2hours spent in a bath of white spirit scrubbing paint from body, 1hour yelling at the wife that apple white is indeed the colour she choose and if she now doesn't like it she can repaint it herself and 4hours spent in dog kennel as ‘easy’. If that’s Mr.Richie's idea of easy I'd hate to see what a busy Sunday looks like.

Ooh B&Q…there’s a topic! Who comes up with the names for paint? And why can’t they just tell it how it is? In my world Azure Delight will now be known as "the sea on a nice day in a part of the world most of us can't afford to go and see", Terracotta Sunset is now “reddy brown but definitely not red, sorta like brick”, Amazon Forest is now "a bit like a bogey when you’re not well" and magnolia is now "goat jizz". It’s not difficult!


  1. Tried posting but my 'cookie functionality was disabled'...not even 10% of its brain then...will attack later

  2. It worked........must say very wise going to B & Q before the Easter rush (when things might have been on offer, but never mind). Are you sure about painting outdoors in January??? Can we have pics?