A Modern Day Bible according to Dawonderful

ED1:1 In the beginning God’s wife sent him to a Scandinavian self assembly furniture store to buy the heaven and the earth.

ED1:2 And the earth was flat pack and without form, and the void that was Sunday afternoon was now filled with darkness and wrong sized hex keys. And God moved upon the face of the waters where he promptly filled the kettle.

ED1:3 And God said, Let there be coffee: and there was coffee with milk and two sugars.

ED1:4 And God drank the coffee, and it was good: and God divided the wafers from the digestives while he decided what power tools he would need from the shed.

ED1:5 And God called the light in the shed bright, and the darkness he called creepy. And God wasn’t overly keen on spiders.

ED1:6 And God said, I must sort the paint cans out, some of them are rock hard.

ED1:7 And God tidied the shed, and divided the matt paint which were under the shelf from the emulsions which were above the shelf: and it was tidy.

ED1:8 And God called the shelf sorted. And the evening would be clear to drink beer and the morning was to recover.

ED1:9 And God’s wife said, Let the useless paint tins under the shelf be gathered together unto one place, the bin, and behold the floor did appear: and it was nice to see.

ED1:10 And God called the bag of top soil Earth; and the gathering together of the white spirit he called Something to clean paint brushes with: and God saw that it was good but smelly.

ED1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and something to stop the birds eating the seeds. And it was sown.

ED1:12 And the earth brought forth grass, but in patches and not very even and God was slightly miffed.

ED1:13 Day three.

ED1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the shed again. I need to check the instructions.

ED1:15 And let there be lights for the garden so as we can sit out the back when the kids have gone to sleep: and it was so.

ED1:16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the porch, and the lesser light to rule the barbeque: he made some stars because they look pretty.

ED1:17 And God remembered that messing around with lights was fun but it wasn’t going to get the heaven and earth made.

ED1:18 God’s wife ruled over the day and night, and could divide the light from the dog kennel: and God pulled a finger out.

ED1:19 And the evening and the morning of the fourth day were spent bodging furniture together. God’s was happy: and it was nice to see.

ED1:20 And God said, Let waters bring forth a garden feature and possibly the odd duck.

ED1:21 And God remembered the whales and thought of a pond with some fish. Ducks love ponds. And God remembered the garden centre had a sale on: and it was good.

ED1:22 And God thought this was an ace idea. Lots of ducks would soon mean baby ducks, and God’s wife thought they were cute.

ED1:23 And the evening and the morning of the fifth day were spent seeing what the neighbours had done in their gardens and buying something even bigger.

ED1:24 And God said, Wildlife is great, even the creepy crawlies: as long as they stay outside: and it was so.

ED1:25 And God pondered some livestock. Where there were cattle, there was dung and flies and things that creepeth. It would take some looking after.

ED1:26 And God said, I must find a man who is the image of  me, with my likeness: who will have dominion over the garden when I’m too old. I need him to look after the ducks and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

ED1:27 God needed to find a man in his own image, he was to be the spitting image of a younger him. He had also to find a female as the man couldn’t be trusted. With anything.

ED1:28 And God pondered what to speak unto them, One day you will need to replenish the earth, and weed it: and look after the carp in the pond and the ducks in the pond, don’t let them boss you around.

ED1:29 And God said, Behold wife, I have made a herb garden: we will never use it but it will smell nice. God also planted fruit yielding trees and trees for yielding meat. And God said, they are ham bushes: and God’s wife did not laugh.

ED1:30 And to every animal in the garden, to every duck by the pond, even some of the creepeth things, pretty much everywhere, God had created edible things: and it was awesome.

ED1:31 And God looked out the next day and saw that everything was still awesome.

ED2:1 The heavens and the earth were finally finished, and God was smug.

ED2:2 And on the seventh day God put his tools back in the shed; and he rested on the sun lounger.

ED2:3 And God blessed the day, and sanctified it a day of rest: because he was knackered.

ED2:4 Heaven and earth would be around for generations; God made the earth and the heavens and not the joker who had repointed the house.

ED2:5 And every plant would grow in the earth, and every herb but it would need watering. The LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to tend the ground with a hose.

ED2:6 But the clouds did gather, and watered the whole face of the ground until it was sodden and squelchy under foot.

ED2:7 And the LORD God formed shapes in the ground to create a two tier drainage effect, and into each plants nostrils he breathed the breath of life so as to make them grow.

ED2:8 And the LORD God decided to ignore his wife's southerly suggestion and plant a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the plants in pots whom he had formed.

ED2:9 And into the ground the LORD God planted nice looking trees and trees that would bring food; the tree the wife liked also in the midst of the garden but more towards the back, and the monkey puzzle tree of good looks and evil sharp bits.

ED2:10 And a pipe from the water butt went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was holed into four leaky rivers.

ED2:11 The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth a bit too quickly. It shall be the first to get mold.

ED2:12 And the mold of that land is not good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone to hide it from God’s wife.

ED2:13 And the name of the second river is Gihon: the leak is much smaller and compasseth a land drier than Ethiopia.

ED2:14 And the name of the third leaky river is Hiddekel: the two tier effect which makes the water goeth like a train toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth hole made the river Euphrates.

ED2:15 And the LORD God spoke to Adam down the garden centre, and put him into the garden of Eden using pictures from is smart phone.

ED2:16 And the LORD God instructed Adam. Of every tree of the garden thou may freely eat: instead of money changing hands.

ED2:17 But of the monkey puzzle tree of good and evil, thou shalt not eat it: for in the day that thou touch it, thou shalt surely get pricked.

ED2:18 And God said, Adam should not be alone, I don’t trust him; I will keep him busy.

ED2:19 And the LORD God bought every beast for his garden, and even fowl of the air. He brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them.Whatsoever Adam called them, that was the name thereof.

ED2:20 And Adam gave names to cattle, and to the fowl, and to every beast of the garden; for Adam was a bit too keen.

ED2:21 And the LORD God caused Adam to get tired, and he slept: and he took one of his hands, and placed it in a cup of water;

ED2:22 The ribbing which the LORD God would give Adam when he woke would be good. It would be even better if women saw.

ED2:23 And Adam said, There is now a wet patch and little chance of pulling.

ED2:24 When a man leaves his father and his mother, and finds his wife: they shall not be one flesh if there is trouser damp.

ED2:25 If they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed then possibly.

No, I'm not dead....lazy yes...but not dead!

I know I know, it’s been like forever but I’ve been busy with stuff. Yeh you heard me, stuff! Nothing in particular, just the ongoing maintenance of the cycle fleet (which now numbers in the region of 1), the ongoing maintenance of the house and its interesting rain related water feature in the cellar, and the ongoing maintenance of the kids (the boys volume control is broken and the girls sleep mode is stuck on ‘absolute minimum’). There’s the ongoing maintenance of the car, which by the time you’ll have finished reading this will need new rear tyres and who could forget the ongoing maintenance of ongoing, which is appears to be directly proportional to alcohol intake. 


The biggest bit of nothing in particular was only flipping “Butlins” baby yeh!!! Or as people without children know it, “hell”. Butlins is a low fat version of Disneyland and it’s a darn sight cheaper as well. A family of four can stay for a week and nosh themselves silly in the all-you-can-keep-down buffet for the same price as just one EuroDisney ticket. Its clientele are the higher end of the great unwashed, M&S shoppers who know where Poundland is. To me Butlins was meat and two veg heaven with a million ways to tire the sprogs out. It is also home of the redcoats. American civil war fanatics shouldn’t get overly excited because I am in fact NOT referring to 18th century English soldiers. These redcoats are a collection of perma-grin reject air stewardesses and hugely camp failed local radio dj’s. They don’t eat, they absorb all the nutrients they need through make up and hair products. They all have an amazing affinity with children and a scarily similar I.Q. Their twee-ness is so much they could use it to cut sheet steel and you’ll be interested to know that it was a redcoat’s handshake that was used as the original template for those arcade claw grabber machines. Despite what you’re thinking though Redcoats are awesome! I’d get one for the kids to play with but then there’s all the injections, neutering, vets bills, cleaning up little piles of cheese, taking it to cabarets..etc.


The majority of the entertainment on site was completely free. The pool was epic, there’s no other word for it. Wave machines, slides, rafts, there were no end of ways to be drowned with a smile. The constant procession of shows in what was nicknamed ‘The Headache Tent’ kept the kiddies highly amused for hours. Sweetshops flanked the stage so our little angels were constantly buzzing and pinging off the brightly coloured walls. An early night was guaranteed, when it was time for their bedtime you simply stopped the sugar supply and waited for the resulting crash. Once the little banshees were tucked up in bed, either the wife or I would wander the short distance to the nearest local convenience with a shopping list consisting of two items; booze and crap to eat. To make it worse there’s a Tescos AND Morrisons just outside the gate! 


By the morning the floors were awash with empty crisp packets and chocolate wrappers while the bin was converted into an overflowing bottle bank. Those that remember last years damp-camp in Devon will be glad to know that we got away with the weather as well. Thank you karma monkeys. 


So, in summary or indeed any season I would hole fartedly recommend Butlins. 


By the way if you’re thinking of having kids I suggest a weekend at a Butlins during peak season will give you a Grand Canyon sized insight. After going you might want to consider my vasectomy blog.

Yay, sneaky lunchtime rides are here again!

Yes, you should feel honored to know me.

If CERN accelerated Awesome and Stoic to the max.

The resulting collision would look like this:

#1000DaysWithoutMichaelJackson

and look how happy they are :-)

Bean me up Scotty!

All of you will remember from my previous bloggage I was drinking liquid veg in a vain attempt to get “healthy” and buff looking. Bikini season is closer than you think! Well, the results are in and are as thorough as a Russian election, as trust worthy as a Zimbabwean election and as disappointing boring as a UK election. I was lucky enough to get two tubs of green powder from http://www.ayurveda4life.co.uk, which would translate in to £76 of your hard earned.

If like me you’re a fan of pepper favoured cold Earl Gray without the bergamot then you’re in for a treat! If not then don’t worry you get used to the taste very quickly. One thing you should completely ignore is the appearance. I’m trying to think of the last time I saw that colour green and I keep going back to when I cleaned out the pond. Luckily I’m a strong believer in form following function so I was happy to park the aesthetics to one side. For single people seeking a drink relationship, Energised Greens is expensive but has a “great personality”. You certainly wouldn’t look at the mantle while you were stoking this fire. Here though, is where the doom and gloom ends. Carnivores, may I present to you a volcanic gas cloud full of silver linings for you to chew over.

I drank two 750ml water bottles of the stuff a day so got additional exercise walking to the toilet. The extra three pints that filled my plumbing also had the effect of stopping me from snacking and that included coffee’n’biscuits. As you all know biccies are my weakness so anything that stops them is good. Seriously, I used to live down wind of the McVities factory and had to wear a bib to catch the drool. I’d walk round mouth open wide taking large sniffs of the caramelized air. I looked like I’d fallen off a Sunshine Variety coach. With all the usual snack based sugar bereft from my diet you’d think I’d be lethargic but no. After a few days of necking the green stuff I noticed an increase in energy and alertness on a par with downing three gallons of Red Bull with an espresso chaser. After a week there was also about a half a stone of unexpected weight loss, which I attributed to having a more comprehensively flushed system. Green pooh fans today is your lucky day! There was also a slight increase in stamina. The leaner, meaner and greener me was consistently knocking time off a 25mile nighttime course I was riding. It’s hard to put a precise measurement on this as the environment insisted on changing every time I ventured out. At a guess I’d say I had between 5-10% more in the tank. Two tubs lasted a month, which is better than I thought. It doesn’t look a lot but it goes a long way, (like £5 in Poundland).

The final benefit I’m going to mention is all the salad I didn’t eat. As all Simpson fans know, “You don’t make friends with salad”.

In wintery, springy, autumny and summary:

It works but it’s pricey. I’d give it five awesomes out of ten. At half the price it would easily be 9/10.

I say bread and you say quack! I say bread…….

Ducks. They’re playing us like fools.

Ooh look at us, we’re too silly to feed ourselves even though we’ve been doing it since we were dinosaurs. Go on, flap off, you’re not fowling me! Ducks are the domesticated cats of the bird world. Both look cute in return for food, both only rock up when they want something, both don’t mix well with traffic, both taste nice (Google Goyangi-tan) and both know martial arts (cats become ninjas while swans learn wing karate). We need to wise up to these feathered freeloaders before we start having duck flaps installed. It’s time the ducks remembered our place in the food chain and learnt some manners. Think of a world where instead of trying to steathily eat sandwiches in the picnic area, you are free to put down your bread based snack for more than one second. Imagine a world where an orderly queue of geese would approach one at a time and ask for just the smallest nibble of your crust. Just enough to be going on with instead of the raucous, noisy, greedy, gobshites kicking off at a hundred decibels at the merest glimpse of a lunchbox. There’s nothing worse than a gung ho kamikaze mallard hell bent of scoffing your sarnies. To rub it in they even insist of flying in a ‘V’ formation as if to stick two fingers up at an altitude and speed where they know they’re safe. It would be lovely to take a gander without a gander on the take.

The duck stops here! You’ve crapped on my windscreen for the last time!

It’s time to fight quack in the only way how. I want everyone to order a number 42 with extra pancakes from your local Chinese every day. The excess demand will soon thin out their numbers and give them something to pond-er. The extra fat layer you’ll put on will also help keep you warm this winter. Now that’s what I call killing two birds with one stone! Except its only actually one bird and it’s not actually a stone, more like gas mark 8. Either way it smells like victory and victory smells delicious. Those afflicted with anatidaephobia, (essentially a fear of ducks) shall be given free plum sauce grenades but I reserve the right for the piss still to be taken out of you.
As an additional deterrent I want all airplanes fitted with Moulinex Food Blenders along the leading edge of their wings and in between the engines, just to make sure. Just like the RAF did in World War II, airline pilots will now paint their successes under the cockpit window. Crossed out swastikas will now be replaced with crossed out yellow duckies.
I know what you’re thinking, poor little ducks, how does he sleep at night? Very well, thanks to a goose down pillow, a goose down mattress and some goose down pyjamas and you too can enjoy such comfort with the aid of a pond, some bread and a large caliber firearm. The game is up, when ideally it needs to be in the oven alongside some seasonal veg.
Remember people, pancake day is fast approaching and this year we should all put a duck in it. It’s what Jesus would have wanted…and he was half mallard! Well how else do you explain walking on water? Exactly.